I may never fully understand why I must go down this broken, empty road. I never thought being a mom would be so painful. Challenging, yes. Painful, no. At least not in the “you’ll never be real to me” sense.
I am a mother who could not carry a life to term. Yet here I am, blessed beyond measure to be the foster/adoptive mom of six children born to other mothers. The tragedy never escapes me, and oftentimes in their anger, my children remind me that I’m not only hated and despised, but that I’m not – and never will be – their “real” mom.
Being the overly emotional person that I am, I cry easily and often (much to the amusement of my attachment-challenged children). I am not always sure that I can take much more. And yet time after time.
Time after time, I place my trust in you, God.
But, God, tell me this: Do you really trust *me* not to fail at this incredibly important mission you’ve given me? Because I feel as if I’m failing all of the time.
Today, for example, my 8 year old will not stop arguing with me, even when the truth is clearly evident. My 7 year old will not stop picking on his younger sister, has been defying my every request, and is on the verge of getting kicked out of music class for bad behavior. My 6 year old refuses to put underwear on, my 3 year old has been calling her sister names, and my 2 year old can’t seem keep her clothes on. The jury is still out on my 9 year old, who attends public school, but she’s been kicking the behavior up a notch lately too.
And let’s not even talk about the house, more specifically about the house that we just put $70,000 into. Holes in the walls, ripped screens, heat registers used as toilets, and water damage are daily reminders that life in our house is not as sweet as it seems to all those who comment on how well our children behave during mass.
Speaking of having well behaved children at mass: I’m convinced that you give me this weekly sign as a way to let me know that you are still present in my life, still fueling my faith, so that I will continue trusting you.
I will, you know, continue trusting you. Because at the end of every day, you are my refuge.
In my Hello Mornings bible study of Matthew, we recently discussed the excuses that some men gave for not following Jesus (8:19). Despite seeming reasonable (I mean, who doesn’t want to put family first?), the bottom line is this: Nothing should come before God. So, if the only positive I get from my challenged-filled life are children who are well behaved at church, I’ll take it.
And I will continue to take whatever strength you give me.
In God I trust,